


I'm Captain Fr**king America

by UnalcoholicVodka



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anti Sokovia Accords, Baby Goat - Freeform, Captain America's Shield, Captain Jack Sparrow References, Drabble, Escape, Eyeliner, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Nick Fury's Coat - Freeform, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pro Team Cap, Rescue Missions, SamChalla if you squint really hard, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, The Raft Prison (Marvel), crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24711688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnalcoholicVodka/pseuds/UnalcoholicVodka
Summary: In freeing his teammates and stealing the Raft, Captain America became a pirate.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 111





	1. I'm Captain Fr**king America

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [More Inconvenient Truths about Propping Tony Stark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19143463) by [Gibbs_yeah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gibbs_yeah/pseuds/Gibbs_yeah). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve breaks his friends out of prison.  
> Or, rather, Natasha does.  
> Then they steal the Raft.

"Stay calm, everyone. We're taking over this ship."

"We? There's one of you, Roger, and twenty of us." The Raft security guard laughed. "You're so screwed."

Steve raised his shield new shield, a temporary gift from the King of Wakanda. "You're forgetting something very important, mate," he said, trying his best to emulate the strange accent which, according to Natasha, psychologically caused confusion or something (he hadn't exactly been studying that branch of psychology).

With a sudden movement, he threw the shield at the guard's helmeted head, knocking him out. The shield ricocheted around the room, knocking out more guards as Steve fought his way through the rest, finally catching his shield as he punched the lights out of the last guard. He glanced down at the fallen guards.

"I'm Captain freaking America."

_Was that part really necessary, Nat?_

Natasha appeared from the cell block, a smirk on her face and the team in tow.

"Watch your damn language, Rogers," she teased. Steve's distraction had allowed her to sneak in from underwater and free Clint, Wanda, Scott, and Sam.

Sam shot her a look. "Did he make that up, or did you give him a script?"

***

Later, the guards, now conscious but terrified, were forced at gunpoint-by a grim Sam and a mildly gleeful Clint-into the very cells they had imprisoned the Avengers in previously. The erstwhile prisoners felt vindictive enough to let them starve, but Steve was merciful. After talking his friends down from their anger-temporarily, at least-he left their prisoners with enough rations to last a few weeks if they economized.

Luckily for them, when Natasha ejected them from the Raft, the cells turned out to the floatable.

In the control room, Clint and Steve figured out how to steer the Raft. Sam was up top thanking T'Challa and informing him the team would take the Raft as transportation. T'challa agreed and left his number for Sam the team. Wanda sat in the same position she had been in before, curled in on herself, head sunk on her knees. She didn't speak, but she smiled at Scott's intentionally ridiculous attempts at magic tricks.

After releasing the guards to their fate, Natasha remembered something extremely important she had to do. She headed down to the control room.

"Steve," she said, holding out a long black peacoat. Fury's old coat. "Here. Wear this next time we need you to cause a distraction."

By the time she was done with him, Steve would be a walking parody of the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired by a comment thread from ElizabethOlsenIsMySpiritAnimal in the comments of More Inconvenient Truths about Propping Tony Stark, Chapter 19.  
> "The concept of Steve stealing the entire Raft is hilarious. Somewhere out there, there's a bearded supersoldier doing his very best Jack Sparrow impression and I love it."


	2. The Day You Almost Caught-!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe some of the mercenary guards like men.  
> Maybe it's Maybelline.

“Gentlemen! This will be the day you always remember as the day you _almost_ caught…Captain Steve Rogers!”

Steve jumped up, kicked an invisible enemy, and broke the handcuffs on his wrists, arm muscles flexing almost casually. Sam and Natasha pounced on him, Sam twisting his arm behind him while Natasha attempted to sweep Steve’s feet from under him. They worked in surprising harmony. Together, they wrestled him into the floor and pinned him chest-down.

“Don’t let them grab you,” Natasha advised. “Once they’ve got a hold on you, you’re good as caught.”

They let him up. Sam couldn’t hold back a snigger. This was his life: Rescuing Enhanced people with Captain America unwittingly impersonating Jack Sparrow to distract their enemies.

Oh, and the prince of a small isolationist kingdom was trying to flirt with him. Emphasis on _trying_. Sam smiled fondly at the memory.

Natasha’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. She was saying very seriously to Steve, “I think you should wear some eyeliner. It’ll bring attention to your eyes-you have really striking eyes.”

Steve blushed. “Natasha, why-?”

“Trust me, it’ll help.” Natasha explained solemnly how Steve’s blue eyes were so dazzling that a little eyeliner could make the mercenaries guarding their target psychologically inclined to surrender of their own accord.

Sam couldn’t hold back another snigger.

The Raft was just below the water, smack dab in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and right under the SS Thunderbolt.

In the engine room of the Thunderbolt, Steve was the center of a brawl between himself and twenty variously armed men. The black trench coat whirled spectacularly, adding to the chaos. They weren’t even all trying, Steve noticed in between blows. He could have sworn at least few mercenary guards was casually watching from behind a pipe, doing absolutely nothing but stare.

Maybe this eyeliner trick _did_ work. Natasha had lined his eyes with a light coppery color that made his eyes pop.

Steve batted his eyes at them.

One man actually turned red, blinked rapidly, and stepped awkwardly back.

Hands glowing scarlet, Wanda ran through the unguarded cargo hold full of chained and caged people. She stuck close to Natasha and Sam, especially sickened by the sight of teens and young adults locked up like animals. She wrapped her magic around the bars and chains and tore them open, freeing the prisoners while Nat and Sam directed them toward the exit route that led to the Raft. Thanks to Steve, they didn’t have to worry about the guards.

Back in the engine room, Steve had overpowered every mercenary who tried to oppose him. With the last of them pinned under his knee, he glanced at the ones standing against the wall. He smiled.

“Gentlemen,” he said, using the accent Natasha had taught him, “this will be the day you always remember at the day you _almost_ caught- _mmmrff!_ ”

Scarlet mist wrapped around his upper body. Steve was bodily dragged through the ship and down to the Raft. Wanda gently deposited him among the prisoners they had freed. She glanced at Natasha, who smiled back.

“Just like that, ptichka” she approved.

After all, you couldn’t finish that sentence but once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Gibbs-yeah again for the eyeliner idea.  
> Flower_Flame_Princess gave me the idea for Natasha's nickname for Wanda. Ptichka/птичка means "little birdie," and I like it because Wanda and Clint have a relationship that's almost paternal. Obviously Clint is the big bird. :))))  
> Kudos, comments, and comments with suggestions are welcome, and I will squeal at you in gratitude!


	3. (Not Sure) I Deserved That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does Steve deserve it?

“Where’s Steve?!” Wanda yelled as soon as T'Challa heaved a drenched Sam onto the pier.

Earlier that day, a US military ship had found them drifting toward Wakanda and fired on them, then stormed the Raft to find the people Sam, Wanda, Natasha, and Steve had liberated a month ago from the SS Thunderbolt. The Raft began taking on water at an alarming rate, and there was a rush to get everyone to shore before the Raft sunk completely. Sam had called T'Challa to notify him of their premature arrival, so now, a pilot, an escort of Dora Milaje, Barnes and a goat, and T'Challa himself were standing on the dock in addition to twenty-odd waterlogged people.

Sam shook his head, weighed down by guilt and sea water. "I'm sorry, Wanda."

Steve told Sam to go ahead while he took care of the last soldier despite the fact that if he did, there was no way he'd get out in time before the Raft sank.

Natasha stared out at the sea expectantly. "He's gonna make it," she said confidently.

Five minutes later, their giant, metal headquarters appeared, steadily sinking but doggedly making its way toward shore. A figure in a long black coat stood straight on the helicopter pad as it coasted toward them on a wave, grinning like a jackass. The Raft ground to a halt as the water became too shallow, and Steve stepped nimbly from the top deck to the long pier. black coat, eyeliner, and all intact.

Natasha embraced him tightly, whispering in his ear, "Next time you scare me like that, I'll go out there myself to slap you." She'd been worried, but she knew Wanda looked to them for guidance, so she forced herself to stay calm.

Steve hugged her back, just as relieved to see her as she was him. "Not sure I'd deserve that." He looked to the side. "Sam?"

"Oh, you'd deserve it," Sam said with a smirk, before 

Just then, the fluffiest kid Sam had ever seen sprang from Barnes's hold and trotted up to Steve's leg and started chewing on his pant leg. Bucky gave a long-suffering sigh. He prised the baby goat off his leg, holding it by the body so it wouldn't jump out of his arms again.

"You've got to stop doing this kind of stuff, Steve," Bucky said, smiling at Steve.

"I know, I know," Steve said, anticipating the words he'd heard since nineteen twenty-seven.

"Not you. We named the goat Steve."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first completed fic, yay! Comments and kudos are appreciated. :))))


End file.
